


A Bitter Secret Carries Melancholy

by NevaraRaven



Series: A Believed Unhealthy Obsession [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crushes, Established Relationship, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, POV Caleb Widogast, Pining, Protectiveness, Sad Jester Lavorre, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26226514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevaraRaven/pseuds/NevaraRaven
Summary: As broken of a man as Caleb is as soon as he sees the usually bright looking sapphire looking distressed and broken he has a need to find out why. Would there be anything he could even do?"He was heartbroken. Jester on her own was his weakness...a distressed, sad Jester… made him feel fragile. Shattered."
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Believed Unhealthy Obsession [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904815
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	A Bitter Secret Carries Melancholy

It was quiet in The Xhorhaus, a rare occurrence in the Mighty Nein household. A quick Estimate would count how many members were actually home at the time for the peaceful stillness to occur. 

For the first time since they had all started their adventures the Mighty Nein were separated for longer than a couple of days. Not for good, of course, they just all had needed a break and some things were more urgent...not all needing to be together.

Veth had been dropped off in Nicodranas to be with her family, she had been...off lately. Homesick would be more like it. There was still some conflict in her mind, she needed to find out what she was going to do...stay with Yeza and Luc...her _family_ or them...her other family. She had hoped that being back with her husband for a couple of weeks would solidify her feelings. As of right now she hadn't given an answer.

Beauregard and Yasha both were teleported to Zadash. The monk having been summoned by the Cobalt soul to find some answers as to what the _fuck_ actually happened on Rumblecusp. When all the villagers basically came out of nowhere there was so much confusion. So many conflicting responses and answers to questions whilst all mentioning one thing. That a group of adventures with the Mighty Neins description saved them, so they contacted Beau via a message spell.

They had already planned to take a break for as long as they could. So with a shrug she decided to head to Zadash, promising to meet back up in a few weeks as they had planned. Yasha decided to go with her...whether it was from a new possible blooming relationship between the two or her guilt at having cut down the Cobalt Soul while being mind controlled was up in the air. In the end Yasha just mentioned that she wished to help in any way. Leaving with the monk.

Then there were four left in their house in Rosohna. Caduceus had been debating heading home for such a long time, to see his family and see if the restoration had started on the blooming grove. Though he decided against it...worried that if he went home he might have been tempted to never leave again. And with the scenes beseeched to them still haunting his dreams...everything had shifted. Knowing that the _Wildmother_ hadn’t been the one to send him a vision did send a discomforting tingle up his spine; he couldn’t risk being allured to stay with his family with something like... _t_ _hat_ in the world.

Jester was kind enough to at least message his Mother though, to check in on them and see if they made it home and if the restoration had begun. With Reani’s help they _had_ made it safe and sound but the wildmother hadn’t informed any of them what the next step was going to be, so they had just been waiting. His heart could at least rest with the knowledge that they were safe and alive. 

Caleb spent his time at the Xhorhaus, scribing his new spells into his spellbook; now that he had the gold and time. He pondered whether or not to go see Essek...yet wasn’t able to actually bring himself to do it. At least not alone, he could have brought Jester with him but she seemed to be keeping to herself. Though if he _did_ go see his... _friend_ it would be to request access to a library. The wizard was sure Beau would be looking up anything on what they had all saw, maybe he should investigate on his own.

He wouldn’t have to be on his own if Fjord hadn’t seemed so utterly distracted. The half orc was hardly seen. He had chosen to stay back at the Xhorhaus instead of taking Caleb's offer to teleport. He wanted to stay in one place for gods know what. As if he was waiting for something... _anything_. Jester seemed to be with him, though that is only what the redhead had contemplated as he had seen little of both of them. Caduceus, having been his closest contact as the firbolg would bring him tea, sometimes sat with him as he meditated on what to do next.

The blue tiefling had wanted to take a trip back home but...stayed back. All she wanted to do was see her mom and spend time with her. She _could_ have gone with Veth but then was reminded of the party. The event where she again humiliated Lord Sharpe...it wouldn’t be safe with her going back even if she disguised herself every hour. If she _had_ gone her vacation would be locked in her room which would have been disappointing.

She wanted to go on dates with Fjord...maybe finally tell Marion about her relationship. They had hidden it from her for a couple of months now, it was her hardest secret to keep. Well other than how the Gentleman is in fact her father. At Least with Fjord Marion could be happy for her.

Or so she thought.

The wizard sipped his newly made cup of tea, Caduceus smiling softly as he continued to cook in the kitchen. Experimenting on meals as he had the time to do so. Fjord was,for once, sitting at the table alongside him. Trying to make idol chatter as Caleb just grunted at him, busy transcribing as Frumpkin rolls around on his papers. 

“I mean what do you think everyone is doing?” He leaned back in his chair, fork resting in between his nose and lips. Balancing it while waiting for Caduceus to bring their lunch to the table. He seemed...weirdly _relaxed_. 

“I...the last I heard ah…a few days ago was when Jester told me how Veth was doing.” He runs his hand through frumpkins fur, not looking up from his spellbook. “She’s having fun but ah...she says Sharpe has it out for Jester even more now...it would be dangerous for her to go back still.” 

“I guess…”

That was...that was odd. Caleb looks up at the half orc, Fjord now avoiding his gaze as he stares up at the ceiling.

“You...guess?”

“Uh…I just...I don’t want her to get hurt is all…”

“ _J_ _a_...I thought the reason you didn’t go to Nicodranas was because you were ah, worried about Jester.”

“Wasn’t my only reason but...one of them.”

Caleb's blue eyes kept watching him. Every facial expression, every movement. His chiseled jaw was clenched, yet he tried to feign being calm and relaxed. His hair was combed back but his facial hair was a mess..he seemed...just _off._

“Fjord...did you need to ta-”

“No...no.” He holds out his hand and breathes out deeply, “I’m fine... _fine_.”

“Well...okay?”

“Uh hmm.” even the hum sounded irregular. Higher pitch like when he's trying to hold something back.

A heavy plate was put in the middle of the table, a selection of fruits and vegetables grown in their own garden but flavored with some Xhorhasian spices in which Caduceus hadn’t the pleasure to try before. His calm smile broke whatever _tension_ had bubbled up.

“I’m excited about this one.” He stated, reading both of their faces but trying to deescalate anything before it even started. Whatever _it_ was. Of course he would be able to read them both. He was always able to even when the firbolg liked to stay aloof. “I purchased a spice from a small shop…very damp. Smelled of moss and ginger.”

“It smells great, Caduceus.” A soft _charming_ smile comes from Fjord as he clears his throat, taking some of this…whatever this was and adding it to his plate.

“ _Ja...Danke_ … ” 

Frumpkin jumped off the table, finding a home around Caleb's neck as his scarf. It was as if he too could feel the strained air again filling the chamber. Something wasn’t right, Fjord was keeping secrets. This wasn’t anything new, they have _all_ kept secrets. Through traveling...through everything that they had been through it was now weird to hide _new_ secrets. Hell when Jester and Fjord started dating it was basically shouted out into the fey wild...though that might just be because the pretty little tiefling was just so ecstatic.

His hand ran through his hair. He _had_ been obscenely jealous...there was that twinge to his heart that would never go away. Caleb was happy, _truly_ happy for Jester. He had always known that she would fall for anyone else but him, he wouldn't _allow_ her to like him...to _love_ him. He isn’t worthy of her light, her affection. She, however, deserves to be happy for the rest of her life.

All Caleb had to do was...make her happy. Use his magic to impress her and make her smile. Say things that Caleb would _never_ say for anyone else...to tease her and have fun. Hell, he just liked hearing the distinct way she said his name...he was utterly and hopelessly _charmed_.

He is and always will be absolutely in love with Jester Lavorre...which is why he was _okay_ when she announced their relationship.

He might be a jealous individual but was still _happy_ for her.

“Ah...Caduceus?” Caleb broke his train of thought, it wasn’t healthy.

“Yes Caleb?”

“Did you make enough for Jester?” 

The firbolg furrows his eyebrows and nods, “I did, however when I went to go get her she just mumbled. I fear I may have woken her up.”

“It is 1:43…she was still sleeping?”

“I assume so. I didn’t want to disturb her. Must have been up late last night.”

Caleb took another sip of his tea before looking at the half orc again, seeing his entire body tense up. They could have been _together_. Was that why he was so nervous? A theoretical walk of shame. “Did you want to go get her, Fjord?”

“You know she uh...she deserves her re-”

The sounds of stairs creaking broke through his words, Fjord immediately not talking anymore as if the sound violently tore through his body. The reaction only followed the man looking as if he wanted to escape, but would look suspicious if he had tried. Jester made her way into the dining room area, one step at a time as she hadn’t been in a hurry. ‘ _Strict contrast from her jumping down 4 steps at a time'_ Caleb noticed. She held her blanket around her head and shoulders, eyes puffy...nose rubbed raw as a constant purple flush was painted on her freckled cheeks. 

Caleb's heart began to beat harshly in his chest, the sound of his pulse echoing in his ears as he immediately pushed his chair out and stood up _‘what...what what’_ he looked over at Caduceus who watched her with worried glances.

 _‘Was she sick? No, she could cure disease herself. Is she okay? How long have I been in my books when she was-'_ “How are you feeling Jester? Would you like some tea”

“Ah I was just about...to uh, say the same thing?” Caleb lied. He can’t even begin to ramble out what is going on in his head. A small... _sad_ smile pulled at her lips as she nodded slowly.

“Honey please?”

“Of course.” The firbolg stands up, making sure to slowly put his hand on her shoulder, leaving it there a few seconds before heading to the kitchen once more to brew a new pot of tea.

No one has seen her like this...or that is what Caleb believes to be the case. The closest he's gotten to seeing something close to this.. _.disheveled_ and sad was when she had been taken away and Molly died. When she blamed herself for not being able to save him. Even when she had been tearing up over their pancake feast she put on a fake smile in order to...appease them? She didn’t need to but she still did.

She _always_ hid behind a mask, trying to be the bright light in their life while acting as if nothing could put her down.

So what _happened?_

And why hasn’t Fjord moved from his seat...why was he refusing to look at this dull sapphire.

“Jester I...uh I could…” He awkwardly stands next to her, arms and hands not sure what to do, pull her into a hug? Have her sit down?

“It’s okay Cayleb...I’m fine.” She lied. He knew she lied. He didn’t need to be Caduceus to know that one. The little hair he could see was a mess, she had dark circles under her eyes which were again...red and puffy. They looked glossy...as if she was struggling to not cry as her lips quivered.

“Jester... _S_ _cheiße_ come here.” He finally pulled her into a hug. She felt small. ‘ _Did someone get hurt? Is Marion okay? No, If the Ruby had been in trouble She would have come to him right away and he would teleport them.’_ One of Caleb's hands rubbed her mid back, the other one caressing the back of her head. He could feel every shuddered breath as she still refused to cry.

He was heartbroken

Jester on her own was his weakness...a distressed, _sad_ Jester… made him feel fragile. 

Shattered.

His hand moved from caressing the back of her head to her upper back. His Calloused hands holding her and refusing to let her go as he hears her breaths. Every inhale almost seemed as if it was her last breath, hiding away now in the wizard's chest.

“Do I...do I...we.” He looks at Fjord, _‘Why the fuck are you just sitting there?’_ “Need to do anything?”

Her head shakes no, not speaking. Caleb could only assume that she was scared too. He had been there himself at one point.

“Do you ah...want to eat anything?” another no and he sighs slightly as Caduceus comes from the kitchen, a hot cup of tea with a spoonful of honey held in his hands. 3 spoonfuls. Refusing to stop encircling her back with gentle touches. Oh how he wished for their others to be here, fearing that he didn’t have what it takes to be what she needs for...whatever is happening. Beau is Jester's best friend and Veth...well she has the motherly instinct for this. Even Yasha has some gentleness to her that even her awkwardness would just end up showing her heart on her sleeve.

But him? _Caleb Widogast?_ Willingly pulling this dull sapphire into a hug was abnormal and risky for him. He didn’t want to let her go, especially with how she is right now. You would think that the person in his arms could not be Jester with just how...sad she was. The tiefling didn’t need to be happy all the time but this...this was different.

It took all his power to slowly let go of her. Though that was all with the help of Caduceus who had put a subtle hand to his back. Almost as a sign to release, to let go, that it was time to part from the shaking blueberry.

Caleb tried to look into her eyes, to see if there was anything resting in her purple irises to tell him what was going on. All so that his mind wouldn’t continue to ramble and guess...though in his heart it was almost as if he knew...he _knew_ what was the problem. It involved a half orc, nervously sitting in the chair still at the table. Whos eyes refused to look at Jester, hurt clearly shown on his face. At Least he wasn’t _happy_ that Jester was in distress.

“I...Jester I can..no you can talk to me if you want too...I would like to ah...do anything…” His eyebrows furrowed, her refusing to meet his own gaze yet smiling nervously. If anyone could truly call _that_ a smile when coming from the usually bright tiefling.

“Uh...th-thank you Cayleb…” his heart skipped a beat, squeezing her shoulder subconsciously, “But I...I’m fine.”

‘ _No you are not.’_

She looked over at Caduceus and held out her hands, clutching the cup of tea as if her life depended on it. Her lips curling in a smile; her eyes not reciprocating the grin. “Thank you Caduceus…ex...extra honey?”

“Always.” he says while placing his other hand on her shoulder, clearly knowing. He always knows.

With that she nods, slowly walking up the stairs back to her bedroom. Or so he could assume, now feeling empty and cold without her near him.

Caleb seemed lost, his skin bubbling with goose bumps, clutching his chest with one hand trying to make it _stop_. His heart just wouldn’t stop. Frustration building and burning inside of him as his head continued to spiral. His theories push his mind in all directions...only for them to all lead to Fjord. The ginger ran his hand through his hair, eyes now trained on the half orc slinking away in his chair.

“What did you _do_?” His voice came out almost as a snarl.

His chest hurt, the thrumming was constant.

“Caleb…”

A slam shook the table as Caleb rammed his hand on the wood. The tea cups falling over, some onto the paper he had been working on. At the moment that was the last of his worries. He could always buy more…This was more important.

“ _Look_ at me.” his jaw clenched as he squeezed his hand into a fist, “At me Fjord, not the fucking ceiling.”

Caduceus breathed out deeply picking up the rest of the dishes, moving them out of the way as a precaution “I think...I believe you already know Caleb.”

“I want to hear it from _him_ Caduceus...I want Fjord to tell me exactly what he did to make _Jester Lavorre_ cry.” his eyes glared at the half orc still sitting in front of him. They...atleast Caleb hadn’t spoken like this, to his family, in a long time. 

“We broke up…”

“ _No_... _you_ broke up with _her_. While the rest of our friends are gone. Leaving her alone...and not telling either I or Caduceus...you selfish, _selfish_...” he practically spits out before groaning. Not able to truly come up with the best insult with his head spinning.

The beating didn’t stop.

“I just…” Fjord started, clenching his own fists now looking away from the clearly flustered and angry wizard.

“You just _what?_ I thought...I had hoped she would be happy with _you…_ you promised that.”

“Well things change.”

“What _things!?”_

There was an uncomfortable silence which drifted through the chamber. As the tension continued to build. The firbolg thinking about how he could deescalate this if at all...only to succumb to the knowledge that there wasn’t anything he could do. His friends needed to air this out...they _needed_ to.

“I...I don’t need to talk to you about this...it’s between us.”

“ _Scheiße…”_ Caleb's hands clenched tighter fists, “Did you not just...see her...she was a wreck and you didn’t tell us...we could have been there for her at least.”

“She wanted to be alone.”

“This isn’t something she should deal with _alone_...How long Fjord.”

“Just...A couple of days...she said s-”

“You had a couple of days to tell us that she was broken?” He closes his eyes for a second, letting the thrums in his chest continue to speed up, throbbing, no stopping it. “You...I need to know what went wrong…”

“I told you Caleb it's not your-”

“ _FJORD_ …I trusted in you...she _loved_ you. You were who she dreamed to be with and I trusted in _you_ that you could keep her happy.” the venom in his voice tore through the half orcs body, a cold sweat painting his skin. “ You...what was so bad that you decided to end it _before_ any of our friends came back…” That is what the true problem was. Fjord had acted relaxed and fine...while the blueberry was hopelessly alone after the person she fell in love with broke her heart. He didn’t even have the _guts_ to admit what he had done. “So...tell me... _please_.”

Fjord breathed out deeply, running his hand through his hair. Squeezing his thigh with his other hand, digging fingers into his flesh. “I...We uh...when we told you all or well...when Jester told you all we were dating that wasn’t as accurate.” Caleb nodded, still glaring at him as if trying to burn a hole through his existence, “We started actually a few months prior...but kept it secret because I don’t know...try it out...secret dates you know…”

“Go on…”

“And well...it was nice and Caleb I do love her I really do, that hasn’t changed at all.” Fjord finally looks Caleb dead in the eyes, “She's beautiful and funny and smart...and so much more. Yet when we...I don’t know I guess...I don’t feel as if I could be her fairy tale.”

One hand gripping the table edge in a death grip he just nods, letting Fjord continue talking.

“She wanted...her perfect romantic partner and I just...I didn’t want to be a disappointment to her anymore.”

“You _weren’t_ a disappointment. And if you had talked to any of _us_ we could tell you that.”

“You...you don’t know that.”

“No, would you like to know what I do know _now?”_ Caleb's teeth clench as his eyebrows furrow, “She does deserve better...than a greedy half orc who cared about his own pride than talking to his friends and allowing her to suffer on her own…” it was almost as if you could see fire billowing off of his tongue as he spoke, “You _are_ a disappointment. A true man would _never_ put her in that situation. If you did really, and I mean _really_ love her you would have been open. You would be able to tell her your worries and if not her _us.”_

Fjord stayed silent, didn’t dare speak knowing that there was nothing he _could_ say to make this better.

“You harmed her spirit...her _trust_. That she loved you...that she considered you one of her best friends.” Caleb's eyes closed “The worst thing is that she _still_ loves you. That is why she is so heartbroken.”

“I…”

“How could you...kiss her and hold her and...and take that for granted.” Frumpkin hisses at Fjord, following the visceral emotions coming off of Caleb's body. “You have no idea...how lucky you were...fuck _are_. She’s hurt because she _still_ loves you...you ungrateful _selfish_ fool.”

“I didn’t… take her for granted it just...sometimes things don’t work out.”

“The point is you didn’t _talk_. You didn’t _tell_ anyone and waited until our friends were out of the house.”

“You are right I should...I should have informed you...I’m sorry.” Fjord breaths out, trying to not let all of his emotions spill out on the table in front of them.

With that Caleb huffed, glaring at the half orc once more before pulling away his gaze, not sure of what he could do next. What he _should_ do next. It’s not like he had the magical capabilities to contact the others and find ways to bring them home. There was just him...Caduceus and the man who had stirred this all into a rapid tornado of emotions. 

Pacing back and forth, not sure where he was going or what he was planning to do but he had to do something. _Anything._

Whatever the case the Xhorhaus was not silent anymore.

The pounding of Caleb Widogast's heart was deafening.

**Author's Note:**

> There might possibly be a part two and three to this series but honestly I just wanted to see Caleb real mad. Not to mention Fjord would be an utter fool to actually break up with Jester Lavorre and most likely would never happen. 
> 
> Don't get me wrong I legit just ship Jester with her happiness so she could be with anyone she wanted or no one at all but at least for this story it will be heavily centered around Caleb and wanting Jester to receive that happiness that she deserves. If that means eventual Widojest then so be it.


End file.
